Unspoken Words

There was never a day pass by, without me, not thinking of you. All the memories you left, all the smile and tears, all the happiness and sadness, will forever stay with me. You know me well, better than anyone else. You know I don’t have, and I won’t have anyone else. Not even to go back to my parents. You know that when I’m sick, I would lay on the bed, holding the pain alone. You know those days, I was under depression, and I cried while you sleep, and hug you with tears. It was hard to let go. It was very hard, to live in this house, looking around and still seeing your smile. It was hard waking up, not having another arm wrapping me to sleep.

All I want you to know is, I want you to be happy. Don’t think too much about me. Whatever decision you made, is right. I was happy to be able to get married, with someone who used to love me so much. Every moment of those days, will be remembered and cherish. You know I couldn’t hate you. You know I couldn’t hate anyone. All I ask, is for you to be truly happy. So, keep living well.

Thank you for giving me the chance to be a wife. Thank you for all your cares and love, you once had for me. Continue doing what you do best, to be kind. You are a good husband, no matter what everyone said. Don’t regret whatever that has happened, there is no right and wrong. There is only those good times we spend together, and some lessons learned.

Soon, I will be moving away from your life. Do your best in your future, I always know you can. And I have faith that you will be a better person.

Remember when I told you to take care, while I’m not around? And you asked me, where am I going? I’m not going anywhere.

So this is it. Don’t think too much about me. Take care of yourself. All the best for your future. Be happy, and live well.

 

Lots of care,

Azlila

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2017 Rewind 01

Over the time, I realize, that this is my life. But other time, my mind wander around. What happened to me in reality, vs what I have been dreaming about.

Flash backward, during university years, where I am someone who is very energetic, someone who is eager, someone who they called-stubborn, someone who will get whatever she put her mind into, someone who make a history, and a story wild wander. Who travel, and follow the path where it leads her. Who took the extra journey to make others happy, and who, always push herself too much, more than anything until it breaks her. What have she become now?

Did I made a wrong decision? Am I happy? Am I living my life to the fullest? Try to look at it. At least, I have someone when I go home. Try to be positive, at least my house is clean and tidy. But the real question keep knocking my head. Is this what I really want? To be a wife? I hardly pray for a child. Just wanting one, so I can avoid my social awkwardness around the people who curse me from my back.

Do I really care? Honestly, do I keep wasting my time this way? When I am not happy. I could turn the table, and blame everyone. But really, who’s fault is it? Is it them, who force me to be in this marriage? Is it them, who stop me from living my dreams? Is it them, who decide on my life happiness?

I cried. And I still cried every night. Some night, I wish I wont wake up. Some night, I just want to shut myself and be in my own world. I ran, and stumble. I try to get up. But I keep falling. All my hopes, my dreams.

I try to avoid. But, until when?

Principal to live for

Here are principles to live by for abundant happy, successful life.

  1. One day you will be gone. Maybe tomorrow, maybe 50 year, maybe today. You dont know. nobody know. This is for us to know that life is short. Knowing this, we must live to the fullest. You have to give your all, give your very best today, in everything you do, to your family, to everyone you encounter today. it is a reminder for you to live your best self everyday. What would you do, to live a positive life to all the people you encounter. The only things that ever matter, is how you made others feel, and how you felt in your own heart. It keep us focus on what really important, and what is REAL.
  2. There is nothing you cannot BE. DO. or HAVE. If there is one person in this planet that has been doing it before, that means YOU CAN TOO. It doesn’t mean that it will be easy, but it does means that it is possible. And as long as it is possible you can work toward it, make a plan, learn what need to be done, for you to live the craziest most abundant life. A life most consider impossible, but you know, most impossible broken down state I AM POSSIBLE. is simply a process of making a plan, and be willing to work with that plan.
  3. Nothing is worth it if it doesn’t make you happy. If it doesn’t i) Makes you happy ii) make you better. Don’t make time for it. Means, if it doesn’t make you happy while you are doing it, or it doesn’t make you happy as a result of doing it, it most likely not worth it. Just like everything is worth fighting for, it is going to require a real fight to win a great prize. You will have to suffer, and sacrifice for almost anything worthwhile in life, but you should ask yourself, DOES THIS MAKE ME HAPPY? if the answer is no, ask yourself, will this sacrifice i am making, lead to more happiness in long term, if not, you should let it go.
  4. Be yourself always. No exception. the only way you can live happy, successful in this life, is you be YOU. you will never be truely happy in your life, if you constantly doing things to please others, to compete with others, or to be liked another. you are unique and that is your greatest gift. When you follow your own path, regardless if that fits in with others, you open up space, for great things to enter your life. Compare yourself with no one. Compete with no other. Make your own decision.
  5. Everything you need is within you. in this world, we see example of people who seemingly have it all.

Him. After five years.

I still remember the first time I met him, first at Graduan fair, KLCC back in 2013. That was when I was 21years old. Looking from a far, hearing his speech on that stage, when he was 24years old, was amazing. I literally felt the aspiration from knowing him, totally understood a person who come from  a small village, building himself up to where he is now require tons of hard work, sacrifices, bloods and tears. But like he said, I was on the other side, where I could only see the greener views of him. Little do I know his struggle. We had fun, we watch movies together, went to concert and, met him at Melbourne.

Fast forward to today, he is still the same innocent kind guy. Maybe because I know him personally and never actually work with him. I could see how he is a good friend. We had fun, we laughed a lot that night on a simple dinner, ghost movie we both enjoyed and a cup of ice cream. We catch up with each other life. And I wish him all the best for his GMAT, US dream.

The question come back to me, what is my future plan.

I have no idea. Back then when I was married, all my dream crash. And to be honest, I’m scared of getting married in future. What if I lose myself. What if I care for the other person too much that I could lose myself. I have learned in a hard way, to hold on my dreams. He asked me, why don’t I try to go to UK. You dont need a UK degree, all you need is work experienced, and determination, of course to first complete my ACCA. I almost lose hope with my ACCA study. I failed twice. I almost pass, with a minimum 7marks. But I didn’t make it. Wasted a year of life, with no accomplishment. It feel sucks.

I boldly asked him out again, because I needed someone to talk about my future plan. Someone who would actually advice me. And he said, if I still have my momentum, I should get going. I need to get my life back. I’m only 26years young, and dreams doesn’t count your age. It is best that I ended this marriage early, knowing that it didn’t get me anywhere.

Tear apart with my ambition, to continue with Big4, this time as a consultant. Another dream of mine, other than being an auditor. And today, I received the interview from government to be an accountant. Strange, it is something everyone look forward to. But not me. I would do my best, and hope that Allah show me the right way.

Another piece of puzzle in life, unsolved.

Miss Aila

The Pursuit of Writing

It has been a quiet morning everyday. And often times, my mind is fresh and blank. I open my window. Letting the fresh wind blew. It is nothing like I could have imagine. I should be sad now, I should be terrified and anxious, when he finally left. But I didnt. A friend of mine said, I was an amazing woman. How fast I could stand back up, and mend my own little heart. I do, I do it everytime.

The night when he left, I was shouting, crying and frustrated. I was mad, and cursing the whole walls and doors. I sounded stupid. I couldn’t sleep, yet I woke up the other day and prepare myself to work. I still remember, the whisper of my brain. Nothing can change what already happen. I need to keep looking forward, and focus my energy for the future. I need to be strong and face all this. I have been in the deepest hole for the past years. I couldn’t possibly lower myself more. Life is like that.

This house hold bitter sweet memories. I used to dream of living in a duplex studio, and I did. God has given me so much, I couldn’t be complaining anymore. There is too many things in life to be grateful for.

Of my job. My family. My financial. My health. Most importantly, how this years makes me a better muslim. I should be preparing myself for hajj. Something that will change myself, to stop loving this dunya, and focusing on the hereafter that last forever.

A friend also told me, how blessed I am to have learn so much in a very short time. To have fail a lot and raise up high. To hold myself accountable in every little things I do.

Like before, this feeling happen again. I have almost everything I asked for.

Wanted to work at the Big4, and I did, not once but twice. Working oversea. and I did. Travel to many countries and I did. Meeting many people, and a lot of them too. Life is just a pure blessing to find eternity in akhira..

To many more writing,

Love Aila x

The Opening is The Closing

2018

Another year passed.

Jan – He is my first husband, Erwin Syarmizie Bin Mohamed Syazwan. living my married life and juggling with work as an auditor

Feb – Quitting my dream job and planning to take my ACCA full time

Mar – Set foot in Melbourne. To be a full time housewife + student

April – Things getting worst, with fights, tears, sweat and blood.

May – Heartbreaks and tears. Nightmare and sorrow.

June – First hari raya that I missed my family gathering. Another fight as I’m going back to Penang.

July – Started work at SLB & we moved to a new studio. I failed my ACCA P7. Expected.

August – Worst fight after we moved out. I started to ignore his family. Too much pressure, and I’m losing my respect.

Sept – Life goes on. Busy with class. Fights get lesser. But we both know what we hold in our heart.

Oct – my Birthday at secret recipe. thanks for the water bottle.

Nov – Life goes on. We do have small fights. we were both emotionally and mentally tired.

Dec – Happy first month ann! thanks for the genting trip.


Jan 2018 started with him, not having any job. and i’m fine. 2018 started with him lying to my face and leaving me at home the whole day. And I ran back to Penang, while he packed all his things and moved out on Jan 8th.

getting a divorce is never an easy decision. I have been telling myself, that I get nothing out of this one year marriage. I try to hold myself, I try to work this out, but there is no more respect, no more patience, no more trust to hold. life is too lonely, even when you have someone besides you. I started to miss my single life. Not sure if it is the best, but it is better than this.

They said, this is more to empathy, than love. So what happen to the relationship that starts with empathy? Does it all have sad ending? So what happen, if our path crossed again? Will we be looking at each other eyes, and admitting our foolish young dumb mistakes? I wish I could turn back time. But how could I. When everything I have learned today, shape me to be who I am.

He must be hurting a lot. I dont know what to do, or what to say. As he is the one who left. He, who promise me, that he won’t leave. I feel sorry, for not having the gut to say it in the beginning. But I hope he come out stronger. I wish, he will be better over the time.

I need to start crafting my future. With or without him. My contract with Schlumberger is ending soon. And I’m leaving next month for an interview at Singapore. Still struggling, still trying to do my best to achieve my dreams. Although, it might not be easy, but I wish for a long and peaceful road ahead.

May Allah guide us all.

Love, Aila

Salam Eid

Pagi raya. With my husband family. It was a warm morning. Delicious nice food. And a gathering with a small family. Feeling the missing of my 5+1 sibling. The jokes and teasing in pagi raya. Unknowingly, this raya feels empty.

Second day of raya, my husband and I drove to Sabak Bernam. Maybe I was too close to the memories, it couldn’t stop me from wanting to go back for raya. Maybe kampung baru was too common to me. I had to speed out from the city to feel the celebration of raya again. It was the same old feeling, with Mak Tam’s family, Pak Uda’s, and my parents. We did very few house, or maybe just me and my husband. Only three.

Nevertheless, it completed my Hari Raya for 2017. Except missing usual annual raya meeting.

To many more raya in 2018. In syaa Allah.