rawpixel.comSometimes I just want to go back home and sleep in my bed. I want to pretend like I never left, like I never went away all these years and I want to pretend like I never suffered because of my decision. I want to pretend like leaving wasn’t a mistake. I want to pretend…
I realize, it was not about my environment. It was me, who is unable to embrace the changes. Maybe it takes time, maybe it is about accepting the ultimate truth. Of no more late night talk with girlfriends, no more homie call, no more the carefree-crazy living aila.
Once, it all feel so content. Worry free. It was just me in my world, and few people who I care less to impressed. It was only me. Until my stupid brain told me to find someone to fill this emptiness. And then, the peaceful life I had changes dramatically.
Today, I’m still pujuk-ing my heart. To accept the reality. To accept my surroundings. To change when I needed to change. To smile when I have the right to frown. To forgive when the world is too cruel. To be happy, when there is so much to whine. Above all, to be content. To be grateful With everything that I have today.
A loving husband. Foods on the table. Free time. Blessful health. Supporting family. Different country. Experience. And my tiny iman.
Ball of love, azlila
I’m tired. I’m tired of reaching after people expectations. When can I live my own life, worry-free, no stress, calm and peaceful just by myself and people who genuinely love me?
Often time, I keep wondering if living single is better? Had it few years, and it is not half bad. Little do I know, my last commute to the house. Little do I realize, all my tears and sweat will one day be a moment which I miss. I miss my family, I miss my home. And I know deep down, I will always miss every single moment I have where there is no one in my life.
Will always miss her.
I told him that I wanted a divorce today. It hurt him, or maybe there are more things that hurt him. I know.
We were both hurting, physically and emotionally from what have happened. And as much as I am hurting, I would lowered down my ego and go back to him. Little do I know, that will only hurting us more.
I wish I know what lies in his heart. Tho sometimes action speaks louder. But how can I know his heart, when I barely spell out mine which shattered.
The night when I throw my cloths and insisted to run away from home. He sleep infront of the door. I cried. And I still cry every night.
I miss my family, I miss my friends. And I feel bad for him, my husband. He’s so young, and so am I. When I thought being independent is being matured, I was absolutely wrong. I could let a smallest mistake slips, and I keep finding fights for his attention. Tho he provided me with enough.
Im tired. Exhausted, and I know he is too. I miss his laugh, his hand holding me like he used before when we rarely met back in 2016. I miss his big smile. I miss everything that we have been through as a husband and wife.
No, my heart doesn’t want for a divorce. But my brain do.
And most of the time, it would be my heart who win this.
Im hoping for a miracle to save my own heart.
Your own lovable self, aila.
Less than two weeks times before Im back to KL. Similar to last year, I spend my first week of Ramadhan away from Malaysia. Truly missing Dubai, back in 2016. Will be missing Melbourne soon. Life has been so different after nearly three months here. So many life lessons learned.
Of sacrificing my solitude and carefree life. Of sharing my stories with another person, called husband. Of trying my best to know my very own gift in life, a man. Do I regret? Duh, it never occur in my entire life to be so.
This few months, I learned to forgive like never before. I learned to share my life, share my laughter, my stupid random act. Although I still can’t get over shopping alone! Hahaha
I miss my old Nur Azlila. But I do want to embrace this present life to the fullest. There is so much thing to learn, and I may not be able to list of the life challenges and struggle I’m going through now…. to leave everything to Allah, have full trust and tawakkul.. to plan, and to believe that Allah is the best planner.. to love, and forgive with my all heart.. and most importantly, to open my heart.. it may be the most difficult things to do, because whenever I open it ajar, I tend to shut it close again. To be young and brave like I was before.. to smile tho it hurt.. to let people wonder why you are still smiling.. to let go of resentment, to be true and genuine. To love yourself more than anyone else. That is Aila 🙂
Love, always.. x
Very less people know me. Or should I put it in words, I barely even know myself. My brain work the other way around. If you would read A,B,C to Z in sequence.. I would read it A,Z,B,Y.. and the sequence goes on.
I hardly remember moment, and I hardly remember the little things. But mind you, I do remember almost of the details, but may not be in order. I sense more empathy, compassion, and loved to other people, tho scientifically measured as having low social context in my surrounding environment.
I think deeply, and I think through out my life. But often, I get lose in my own thinking. About what is right, and what to do..
I tend to be alone, and I love my own company. opening up to people frightened me. Hence,I rarely share my sorrow and my sadness. Yes, I wanted to. But I’m scared of being judge. Scared that people might talk bad of my hardship, scared that people might use my hard life to use it against me.
There’s just too many baggage in my life at the age of 25 years old. And I woke up everyday dealing and fighting with my own demon. Truth is, I got tired everynight, and cried to sleep.
When will my life will end? I only wish to see my God, my Almighty God who is capable to take all my miserable life away. Allah.
I started to know myself more, as I’m living with my husband now. 5 months. And countless fights. Countless shout. Countless heartbreak.
I started to realize. I won’t force myself to let anyone in. If it happen, it will happen. If I’m not willing to share my life stories, then not sharing is fine. I started to put myself first. It is not selfish. It is self reliance. It is to acknowledge myself, and put aside whatever people around me said about me.
It may not be easy. There will be ups and downs. But the most important thing in life is, not to give up with my dreams. To keep thriving, and success.
I give up. Of the idea to make anyone like me. They gonna hate me, like everyone does. And that is okay for me. And I don’t care about other people. It will, and always have to be about me. To create new thought, to have the guts to clean up with the things that won’t work. And I’m willing to commit to myself. And keep moving forward with myself.