Her new self

Less than two weeks times before Im back to KL. Similar to last year, I spend my first week of Ramadhan away from Malaysia. Truly missing Dubai, back in 2016. Will be missing Melbourne soon. Life has been so different after nearly three months here. So many life lessons learned.

Of sacrificing my solitude and carefree life. Of sharing my stories with another person, called husband. Of trying my best to know my very own gift in life, a man. Do I regret? Duh, it never occur in my entire life to be so.

This few months, I learned to forgive like never before. I learned to share my life, share my laughter, my stupid random act. Although I still can’t get over shopping alone! Hahaha

I miss my old Nur Azlila. But I do want to embrace this present life to the fullest. There is so much thing to learn, and I may not be able to list of the life challenges and struggle I’m going through now…. to leave everything to Allah, have full trust and tawakkul.. to plan, and to believe that Allah is the best planner.. to love, and forgive with my all heart.. and most importantly, to open my heart.. it may be the most difficult things to do, because whenever I open it ajar, I tend to shut it close again. To be young and brave like I was before.. to smile tho it hurt.. to let people wonder why you are still smiling.. to let go of resentment, to be true and genuine. To love yourself more than anyone else. That is Aila 🙂

Love, always.. x

Until the end of life

Very less people know me. Or should I put it in words, I barely even know myself. My brain work the other way around. If you would read A,B,C to Z in sequence.. I would read it A,Z,B,Y.. and the sequence goes on.

I hardly remember moment, and I hardly remember the little things. But mind you, I do remember almost of the details, but may not be in order. I sense more empathy, compassion, and loved to other people, tho scientifically measured as having low social context in my surrounding environment.

I think deeply, and I think through out my life. But often, I get lose in my own thinking. About what is right, and what to do..

I tend to be alone, and I love my own company. opening up to people frightened me. Hence,I rarely share my sorrow and my sadness. Yes, I wanted to. But I’m scared of being judge. Scared that people might talk bad of my hardship, scared that people might use my hard life to use it against me.

There’s just too many baggage in my life at the age of 25 years old. And I woke up everyday dealing and fighting with my own demon. Truth is, I got tired everynight, and cried to sleep.

When will my life will end? I only wish to see my God, my Almighty God who is capable to take all my miserable life away. Allah.

Sinful servant.

I gave up…

I started to know myself more, as I’m living with my husband now. 5 months. And countless fights. Countless shout. Countless heartbreak.

I started to realize. I won’t force myself to let anyone in. If it happen, it will happen. If I’m not willing to share my life stories, then not sharing is fine. I started to put myself first. It is not selfish. It is self reliance. It is to acknowledge myself, and put aside whatever people around me said about me.

It may not be easy. There will be ups and downs. But the most important thing in life is, not to give up with my dreams. To keep thriving, and success.

I give up. Of the idea to make anyone like me. They gonna hate me, like everyone does. And that is okay for me. And I don’t care about other people. It will, and always have to be about me. To create new thought, to have the guts to clean up with the things that won’t work. And I’m willing to commit to myself. And keep moving forward with myself.

To live in the present. The greener side.

I havent write for so long. I guess time has been keeping me busy. I almost fall to the death end. Or this is the time, where I feel like I’m reaching the most bottom of life. My solat is not being perform well, my work life is terrible, my love life is going no where. I need to get back to my base. Set a target, get a better picture of it. To ask myself again, what do I want in life. To set priority and to work on making myself happy. To make myself happy, that is the most important part of all.

28th April 2016

The day I received my confirmation Ernst & Young. It took me almost 5 months to get my confirmation. Also five months, for me to think of the path in future. And I accepted the confirmation.

16th Nov 2016

4 weeks before my single status change. I started to let out my happy go lucky side to him. I started to show my kind side. I started to shower him with love. I started to show him my other side he never see before. I started to smile more and sharing my craziness with him. Little by little. One step at a time. And he looks okay. He sounded better. He is getting more manja obviously.

There are more than to care about money. I realize. I started to prioritize my body, spiritually and physically. I started to focus on getting enough rest, exercising more, eat good food. Tho the struggle is real. I literally have to force myself to sleep. Force myself to cook. Force myself to go for physical stretching before and after sleep.

It is a soothing feeling, to see how he invited all his friends to the reception. Funny too, how it happened between us. There are more to share in life.Taking all the time we both have to learn about each other. So one thing that I learned hard, is to let him know of everything and anything that is happening in my life. Hard for someone like me, who used to keep my steps private. And do whatever I feel like doing. Yet, now I need to get used of sharing my life (I used the word SHARING here, bcs I have accepted the fact that he is in my life now) hahaha…

I sleep at night, scrolling through our pictures. Looking at his pictures. To wonder how our future days gonna be. May not be easy. But Allah may ease everything on His will. I can picture that we both wake up for tahajud. We had our exercise together. Prayer together. Laugh and cry together. It will be hard for him, for me too. But In Shaa Allah, we will get through this together.

13 Jan 2017

I haven’t write for so long. I have to make a decision today. Based on everything that is happening in my life. To go back to penang, and ignoring his family. Or, to stay, getting myself hurt, given up again, tho I have spoken. To be close and amend the gap slowly.

Tomorrow, if I made decision to go back to penang, I would be happy, satisfied, tired, yet still holding grunges. If I choose to stay, I will keep him at home, stay and get some time with mama, talk to her friend of my comfortability. To win both side. Tho there might be some uncomfortable things that going to happen. But at least I’m keeping my husband intact, close to his mum. Do his thing, and I can do some of my works too.

In 10 months time, I will always giving up. To follow what makes others happy. To put myself second. But me, being Azlila, who will voice out, and speak up will be there. His mum would probably be more considerate. Hoping that it would be better soon. I will be sad. Maybe. But he will be happy, knowing that I’m prioritizing his time.

In 10 years time, things will get better if I choose to stay tomorrow.

18 January 2017

I’m resigning, and that is something I never want two years ago. I wanted to stay, in an audit firm, grasping the unlimited knowledge in this stressful steep learning curve. Getting my dreams and hope high in audit line. Preparing myself to be a partner of a big firm and earning multi dollars salaries.

But today, that is not the case. I’m resigning. And continue my acca full time. Three papers, self-study and sitting for exam in June 2017. Insane. I know this is the only opportunity I have to fly again. To study in a winter country. To get a job by May-June in Australia, tho it may be possible but there is always a way.

25 Jan 2017

One day left before I send my resignation letter out.

Something that I have been dreaming about for so long. But I know I crash it, I crash it hard. Things will never be the same. Life and all the unexpected changes. I don’t know if this will make my life better, or will it be worst. To tahajud, and istikharah tonight. May Allah bless me with whatever path he put me through.

2016 a few steps more

I am writing this with a hole in my heart. Pain, suffering, disappointment. Clueless. No words could describe what I feel now. I try to talk to my bestfriends. Realizing the fact that I am loosing the best Nur Azlila in this year.

Since when do I overthink and stop doing what I love? Since when do I hold myself back and hurting myself? Since when? it is sad tho to look at my condition now. To see how I live my life now. lack with emotion, and motivation. unsettle problems. Too much of heartbreaks.

Ila, you are stronger than this before. You had your heartbroken many times. You got hurt. You feel this before. Why can’t you get up and live a little bit more. Show your better side. be a better you. wake up with a smile. hug yourself every now and then. You deserve better ila. Always.

So please. hold on to yourself. Love yourself a little bit more. Sabar ila. Why are you being like this? Is it so painful? Is it?

Ya Allah, kuatkan lah hati ini. Tunjukkan kebenaran. Berikan ketenangan. Berikan sabar seindah indah kesabaran. Ya Allah.

 

 

 

 

Hey Home

Today is Sunday. A warm, worries free and my family is around. It is always better to be home. Life is chill and slow. The pace of life, starting to catch up with me. I couldn’t find it anywhere else.

Bringing my little sister out. Packing my cloth to go back to the city. It makes me wonder, if today will be the last day I’m at home. The room, where I study to get straight A’s. The same old bed. Looking at my dad, my mum, my siblings. All five of us, but the house is still too quiet.

How should I live, to be where I’m supposed to be now, without all of them.

Without their loves, their blessing, their existence.

Love always in memories,

Azlila

Who are you?

Went out with my bff today. to service my car. long story short,

on the way home, i was thinking if it was just me.

I love being alone, solitude as you may called. The art of living freely, changing your state of mind, manipulating your own self without having to think of the consequences for the people around you.

I don’t think my family know me as well. I started to think that there are many things that hide from everyone, or should I say, personality. Thinking of it, even my bestfriend, don’t know everything about me.