Salam Eid

Pagi raya. With my husband family. It was a warm morning. Delicious nice food. And a gathering with a small family. Feeling the missing of my 5+1 sibling. The jokes and teasing in pagi raya. Unknowingly, this raya feels empty.

Second day of raya, my husband and I drove to Sabak Bernam. Maybe I was too close to the memories, it couldn’t stop me from wanting to go back for raya. Maybe kampung baru was too common to me. I had to speed out from the city to feel the celebration of raya again. It was the same old feeling, with Mak Tam’s family, Pak Uda’s, and my parents. We did very few house, or maybe just me and my husband. Only three.

Nevertheless, it completed my Hari Raya for 2017. Except missing usual annual raya meeting.

To many more raya in 2018. In syaa Allah.

Advertisements

Of heart, fate and destiny

After it happen, I went to Penang. Couple of days, spend good time with my sister, mom and dad.. And I’m back to Kuala Lumpur again.. I need to start listing out and sorting my gratitude in life.. my dreams.. my priority in life.. I may need to update this list over the time.. but here is just a simple reminder for myself…

Things to be gratitude for..

  1. Health
  2. Family
  3. My current life
  4. Future job
  5. Acca to pursue

And I put my heart to Allah. To acknowledge that all this temporary world are only ‘pinjaman’. And there is nothing permanent in this merely world, happiness, pain, despair.. To depend only and only to Allah. May Allah keep my heart steady in his path.

Of being grateful

Woke up this morning just to have my day ruin. Everyone have their bad day once in awhile. But for my case, it was like a million days and counting with one hand for a good one. Exaggerating! No I’m not…

I guess I’m just tired playing with my own heart, denying my brain and wake up just to the same routine life. Soon, I’ll be back to Kuala Lumpur and the big decision is to be made.

Another different path of life. Perhaps. For a better one? I keep dreaming of my family, I’m very sure they all have been missing me, for more than 3 months. And I painfully made them feel losing a daughter.

At one point of time, a friend told me to be stop dreaming. And live a grateful life. And I was like, wht is there to be grateful of my ruin life? I lost my condo, I lost my car, I lost a job. And he reminded me,

I still have my family, a home to go to, a car, a future job, ACCA to pass, my health, money in my bank account. Worst yet, I should be grateful for being alive. Allah.

 

Of changes

I realize, it was not about my environment. It was me, who is unable to embrace the changes. Maybe it takes time, maybe it is about accepting the ultimate truth. Of no more late night talk with girlfriends, no more homie call, no more the carefree-crazy living aila.

Once, it all feel so content. Worry free. It was just me in my world, and few people who I care less to impressed. It was only me. Until my stupid brain told me to find someone to fill this emptiness. And then, the peaceful life I had changes dramatically.

Today, I’m still pujuk-ing my heart. To accept the reality. To accept my surroundings. To change when I needed to change. To smile when I have the right to frown. To forgive when the world is too cruel. To be happy, when there is so much to whine. Above all, to be content. To be grateful With everything that I have today.

A loving husband. Foods on the table. Free time. Blessful health. Supporting family. Different country. Experience. And my tiny iman.

Ball of love, azlila

She who is missed

I’m tired. I’m tired of reaching after people expectations. When can I live my own life, worry-free, no stress, calm and peaceful just by myself and people who genuinely love me?

Often time, I keep wondering if living single is better? Had it few years, and it is not half bad. Little do I know, my last commute to the house. Little do I realize, all my tears and sweat will one day be a moment which I miss. I miss my family, I miss my home. And I know deep down, I will always miss every single moment I have where there is no one in my life.

Will always miss her.

Hoping for miracle

I told him that I wanted a divorce today. It hurt him, or maybe there are more things that hurt him. I know.

We were both hurting, physically and emotionally from what have happened. And as much as I am hurting, I would lowered down my ego and go back to him. Little do I know, that will only hurting us more.

I wish I know what lies in his heart. Tho sometimes action speaks louder. But how can I know his heart, when I barely spell out mine which shattered.

The night when I throw my cloths and insisted to run away from home. He sleep infront of the door. I cried. And I still cry every night.

I miss my family, I miss my friends. And I feel bad for him, my husband. He’s so young, and so am I. When I thought being independent is being matured, I was absolutely wrong. I could let a smallest mistake slips, and I keep finding fights for his attention. Tho he provided me with enough.

Im tired. Exhausted, and I know he is too. I miss his laugh, his hand holding me like he used before when we rarely met back in 2016. I miss his big smile. I miss everything that we have been through as a husband and wife.

No, my heart doesn’t want for a divorce. But my brain do.

And most of the time, it would be my heart who win this.

Im hoping for a miracle to save my own heart.

Your own lovable self, aila.