To live in the present. The greener side.

I havent write for so long. I guess time has been keeping me busy. I almost fall to the death end. Or this is the time, where I feel like I’m reaching the most bottom of life. My solat is not being perform well, my work life is terrible, my love life is going no where. I need to get back to my base. Set a target, get a better picture of it. To ask myself again, what do I want in life. To set priority and to work on making myself happy. To make myself happy, that is the most important part of all.

28th April 2016

The day I received my confirmation Ernst & Young. It took me almost 5 months to get my confirmation. Also five months, for me to think of the path in future. And I accepted the confirmation.

16th Nov 2016

4 weeks before my single status change. I started to let out my happy go lucky side to him. I started to show my kind side. I started to shower him with love. I started to show him my other side he never see before. I started to smile more and sharing my craziness with him. Little by little. One step at a time. And he looks okay. He sounded better. He is getting more manja obviously.

There are more than to care about money. I realize. I started to prioritize my body, spiritually and physically. I started to focus on getting enough rest, exercising more, eat good food. Tho the struggle is real. I literally have to force myself to sleep. Force myself to cook. Force myself to go for physical stretching before and after sleep.

It is a soothing feeling, to see how he invited all his friends to the reception. Funny too, how it happened between us. There are more to share in life.Taking all the time we both have to learn about each other. So one thing that I learned hard, is to let him know of everything and anything that is happening in my life. Hard for someone like me, who used to keep my steps private. And do whatever I feel like doing. Yet, now I need to get used of sharing my life (I used the word SHARING here, bcs I have accepted the fact that he is in my life now) hahaha…

I sleep at night, scrolling through our pictures. Looking at his pictures. To wonder how our future days gonna be. May not be easy. But Allah may ease everything on His will. I can picture that we both wake up for tahajud. We had our exercise together. Prayer together. Laugh and cry together. It will be hard for him, for me too. But In Shaa Allah, we will get through this together.

13 Jan 2017

I haven’t write for so long. I have to make a decision today. Based on everything that is happening in my life. To go back to penang, and ignoring his family. Or, to stay, getting myself hurt, given up again, tho I have spoken. To be close and amend the gap slowly.

Tomorrow, if I made decision to go back to penang, I would be happy, satisfied, tired, yet still holding grunges. If I choose to stay, I will keep him at home, stay and get some time with mama, talk to her friend of my comfortability. To win both side. Tho there might be some uncomfortable things that going to happen. But at least I’m keeping my husband intact, close to his mum. Do his thing, and I can do some of my works too.

In 10 months time, I will always giving up. To follow what makes others happy. To put myself second. But me, being Azlila, who will voice out, and speak up will be there. His mum would probably be more considerate. Hoping that it would be better soon. I will be sad. Maybe. But he will be happy, knowing that I’m prioritizing his time.

In 10 years time, things will get better if I choose to stay tomorrow.

18 January 2017

I’m resigning, and that is something I never want two years ago. I wanted to stay, in an audit firm, grasping the unlimited knowledge in this stressful steep learning curve. Getting my dreams and hope high in audit line. Preparing myself to be a partner of a big firm and earning multi dollars salaries.

But today, that is not the case. I’m resigning. And continue my acca full time. Three papers, self-study and sitting for exam in June 2017. Insane. I know this is the only opportunity I have to fly again. To study in a winter country. To get a job by May-June in Australia, tho it may be possible but there is always a way.

25 Jan 2017

One day left before I send my resignation letter out.

Something that I have been dreaming about for so long. But I know I crash it, I crash it hard. Things will never be the same. Life and all the unexpected changes. I don’t know if this will make my life better, or will it be worst. To tahajud, and istikharah tonight. May Allah bless me with whatever path he put me through.