Tiny Words Spoken

Sometimes, there is just something that crossed my mind. If he would ever cheat or betrayed me while we are far away, or in the future. I had enough being the broken one. And all i need is just a person who would take care of me, me, and not anyone else. 

I can take care of myself, just fine alone. So when I let a person in, to my life. I want him to take care of me, as much as I would take care of him. 

He, who is still learning so much about us. Mr.fiance. 

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Is this how it ends?

I made mum cried tonight.

I do love him, as much as I try to deny it. Part of me have been caring for him, too much. He’s the first man for everything. And I know, tonight, probably will be the end of what it should be.

And scrolling back, to 4th October 2015 messages. I do realize how much, back then, we love each other. But it’s too late now, ila. Because you are too scared of letting people in your heart, you keep pushing him away. You keep making fight, and more fight for him to stay away from your life.

When will you stop? When will you let a man to enter your life? How long will this world of flying solo and lonely will be yours? Why can’t you give your all, risk it all for him?

How much is the pain will be, when you walk away from something, undone. You missed him, and you cry at night to sleep. You miss him, and you deny your heart. You want him, but you build a wall so high.

Learn to love ila. Learn to open your heart. Admit that you love him, fight for him, for once. FOR ONCE. For once..

Fight for him, like how you would fight for your dreams.

Fight for him, like how you always fight for the things you love the most.

Fight for him, because only Allah knows, if he is the right person for you.

Love him, for the sake of ALLAH.

 

Over Flashback and Gratitude

‘I really don’t have time for this’ as the time is dragging me in office…late 8pm.. in tower 2, KLCC…

Life has been good, at least without thinking of my financial issue.

After my first day back from Jakarta, which marked me as officially *not a student*, mom & dad expected me to work to support my own two tiny legs. Yeah, I can handle it, for the first month of unemployed. Two main starting to be a pain. And upon accepting my first job as an auditor, it hit me hard.

I can hear the raining sound outsides, from the window. At times, my mind goes wandering, as questioned me, is this what I wanted to do. As an auditor. For the rest of my life. Because really, I have no future plan, if I actually stay until Partner level (which gonna take at least 10 years in audit).

When I was 12 years old, back from school, I would open up the old mailbox at my home flat, back in Penang. ‘If there’s a letter, means I’m going to hostel, if there is not, means.. maybe they will have it tomorrow’ and my mum would smile. She know how big is my dream.

Even with straight A’s, in UPSR or even PMR, I was not accepted into any MRSM or elite school. I was there, stuck in normal secondary school, with bunch of naughty and lazy friends. Environment forced me to be good with Chinese and Indian, because they are the one who would encourage me to be better from time. I spend hours in public library, studying, because in our tiny flat-house, I couldn’t have an efficient time and place to study.

After form 4, every evening, I would walk to extra class, and catch the public bus, in the rain, or at late evening to go home. My best friend would be there, laughing at me, with my wet and sweaty cloths. We were the only malays in that addmath class. Even during ramadhan, we actually share kurma for berbuka. and take turn for prayer. How fast time flies.

While I am here, sitting at client office. To be in one of Malaysia proud company. My 23 years old.