So today I’m going to meet my sis, which obviously I need to prepare myself with this love self-destruction ambush interrogation by her. I’ve been thinking why him, why I choose es, why him and not someone else, or why can’t it just be me living my life, happily alone.
After almost a month of us being close together (surprise that we actually can keep good contact to this day), I started to learn our differences and similarities day by day. He is sweet, unlike me. I’m not sweet, I’m bitter and I throw salt to make sweet people run away. He is understanding, he have a personality that I needed in a man. Someone who would encourage me, and be there for me to listen instead of criticizes me for some point whenever I couldn’t handle my own emotion. He is there, he have this thing I couldn’t find in any person. Trust. It is amazing and weird at the same time, that I could trust him, even when we are millions of miles away.
As I go back this weekend, mum probably ask more details about him. And yeah, Perhaps Im gonna twist his life story and make it look similar to mine. That is what at least, his lacking of. Of difficulty and bitterness in life. But it’s okay tho, I’ve tasted that, and I know if one day he stumble upon life difficulty, I would be ready at any time to support him and for us to stand stronger together.
At some point, he is like a perfect person for me. Except that my heart, some times still have it’s own stubbornness, to not let anyone in. Sigh. It’s gonna take a long journey between us. If he is meant to be mine.
4th October 2015,
The day he called me, and the day I actually tell him stories, unlike any other day. The day, we started to get close, and learn about each other. Its been almost 4 weeks now. I started to realize, we rarely argue, we spend more time understanding and helping each other out. We spend a lot of time, learning about us, what we like, and what we don’t like. Slowly, I came to see, that we have common chemistry in certain things.
When he said, he choose me, because I complete him. I was still in doubt. But what happen today, was a lesson, supporting his words. At time when I was under stress, and out of control, with my moody and frustration mode, he would listen and actually be there to calm me down. He won’t bash me, or criticize me for not being able to solve my problem, he won’t simply give solution, because saying is easier than doing it. He would understand.
At time, when he have problem, for the first time, we actually solve it together, and I use my experiences and psychology way to get him on his right mind to solve it, and end it well.
Even with all his sweetness and outstanding personality, I am still not sure if we are meant to be together. Being a skeptical person is hard. I would need to see more improvement and positive side every day. While my other side, I would miss him, and need him in my every day and night. This uncertainty.
Stepping into KPMG building today, remind me of my young days. Waking up as early as 6am, rushing to work, made mocha at office, grab sandwich, checking email, and preparing for the next audit works. And the best part of going to work is having multiple lunch mate with other auditors. Life was good, with high and low bumps.
I didn’t tell anyone that I went to kpmg today for an assessment except my family and him. Until this moment, I am still indecisive. Yes, auditor is what I want to be. But is kpmg the right one? Or should I challenge myself and seek for other opportunity? How about EY? Their offer is good, with the chance to be one of financial services auditor, specializing in banking and wealth management. Sounds cool right.
There is still a few weeks left to wait for their response, and figuring things out. Diyana told me, she would encourage me to take ICAEW, and I am willing to pursue ICAEW anytime. The offer to sit for one of world hardest examination, fully sponsored is something I couldn’t resist for now.
Not knowing what the future hold, I would leave the matter to ALLAH, He who knows everything.
After last night, after a short call, I told ES, I would need some time. After almost two weeks, we, non-stop texting and calling each other, days and night. I’m not used to it, to stay up until 3am, skyping, and my phone bill reach rm300 in less than a month. That’s just too much. But most importantly, I wanted to clear up my mind and my feeling. I wanted to choose him for his deen, and not merely because of a feeling.
I’ve told my mom, and she asked for ES picture. there is not much picture of ES in my phone, one is during our meeting at 2nd NALS conference, second was, his picture with his mum he gave me. So I gave his second picture. And mum asked, if he is mixed >.< he is! And he can never hide his mixed malay,chinese face >.< I even thought he is chinese at the first time I met him. I miss him..
I have told him, that we would be having our own time for two weeks, for a deep thinking and planning, or probably for him to really think through, and maybe, change his decision to meet my mum?
I really don’t mind tho, even when I know, I probably won’t find a good, annoying, playful and kind person like him.
I miss him..
I’m 20minutes away from my dream job. Interviewees waiting and I’m here, fully passionate to explore banking world and representing Asean. To finally put ky leadership and experiences forward for a real working life experience. I have a feeling that I will passed this interview and go to the next level.
Everyone have been helping me to this stage, and I should be fully prepared to put my foot to go that extra miles.
Best of luck azlila, i know you can do this 😊
hey you, Maybank apprentice! 😁
Was on my way back to kl. Remembering there was one night ES called me up, telling me he was buying a shoes and dunno which to pick. For god sake, its been awhile and he call me when he was at malaysia at the night when i was driving from perak to kl around 10pm 😅
I forgot to refill my car petrol while he was calling and texting me, keep asking me where I am and all. And as I drive back to reach kl, i drop by at ky house to send my things and straight away meeting him at midnight in the middle of kl. Mind you, now that place was like our meeting place everytime he came back to Malaysia 😂
He’s coming back this dec and his family coming back for good. And he was being all serious about getting married and so, but i dunno. The feeling still isn’t there. But i had fun tho, playing around, and getting our night bubbly 😂
To ES, kindly be a good person. And keep be around, or… Or.. Or be mine 😁
Do you want to know why I did that?
I hate touching people belongings as much as I hate others touching mine.
But why to the extend? Because, I had enough telling about myself, all about myself to you. Not even my bestfriend know what I did at KL living alone. Not even my bestfriend would have all the answers I gave you. I trust you with all I have, enough with my mom’s numbers alone. Do any of my friends have my parents number, No.
But why is it so difficult for you to even say something about yourself? Why do you make me fall to you when you are not willing to catch me? Why do I have to be a bad person in order to know you? Why?
If it is wrong at the first place, to know you. Why do you even let me get close to you?
I hate myself for letting you into my life. Why would I risk my heart for someone who didn’t trust me, who doubt if I would accept him for who he is. Why would you even do that to me?