The Rain Stop

It’s gonna be almost a week since that day. from the past day, I felt cheated, angry, disappointed and sad at myself. And like every other time, I picked myself up, force myself to get up from the bed, take that cold freezing shower, go out, just go out, do something, keep my physical busy, tho my mind is wandering everywhere.

One thing, I appreciates the most, is my friends, they are always there. Through my dark and shine. Like, I can just tell them, I’m going to singapore, and they be so excited and welcoming. but yeah, I cancelled the plan last minute,, because I was crazy enough to do that. Haha! Indeed, even a friend of mine keep contacted me. We chat, catching up and getting new insight about our life.

At that one night, I remembered all my indonesian life, the people, that many people who have touched my life. The good and the bad. There are so many of people in this world. Why am I too stupid to let the same person break my heart, over and over again. Why am I too blind to see that he, doesn’t deserve my heart anymore. That everytime he have it in his hand, all he did is to crushed it. So let go, take back the pieces, head up, and walk proud like a soldier to be out of his own battle. You know, you are better than this Azlila.

Thank you, cikgu, Amil, Pian, Erwin, ayu, my sis, nabila, syamil, and every one who have keep me in your circle and lighten up my days. I love all of you to bits!

InsyaAllah, I will not give up in finding my first job!

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Strong Heart

Dear hati,

Deep inside, a whispering heard, I want to change. Of all the sins and mistake I have made while I was away from HIM. I regret it now. I tried to surround myself with friends, those who was there before. But they are not always available to remind me. Maybe I was too. I was busy with life, captured in sins and terrible acts. But I wanted to change. Really.

Going through changing phase with a broken hearted and a body, a soul full with sins is tough. Much tougher, is going through it alone. Wallahi, there is no one could understand me right now. Except Allah, He who knows.

I haven’t eat for few days. I don’t feel hungry, to be honest. I kept remembering of the day, scared if Allah to test me with the consequences of my act. I pray for Allah to give me strength, when I needed it the most.

As a human, terrible things happen, we never stop sinning, and Allah never stop forgiving. So repent. And seek for Him.

Be strong dear heart, I’m sorry I was misguided. But sorry is not for you, it’s for self, and seek apologize for harming yourself.

Strong heart.

He Who Have ALLAH, Have Everything

Ini Kisah Diari.

Mata dia asyik tertumpu pada conversation
whatsapp. menunggu balasan dari si gadis.

seminit..
dua minit..
tiga minit..
empat minit..

bzzz. bzzz.

“apa ni?”

“hayati lirik tu and fahamkan. then tell me the answer. sudi ke tak.”

“are you serious Afif Hayat?”

“i am. Saya dah lama suka awak.”

“this is not the right way. i’m not ready.”

“just tell me. that you love me the way i do or not. only then i’ll be okay.”

“Saya pun suka awak.”

bibir kembali senyum sampai telinga. sampai tak sedar Izzat amin yang sedang murajaah AlQuran surah AnNisa memandang aneh.

“aku akan kahwini ko satu hari nanti.”

“i’ll wait for that day.”

“just you wait. ”

dan hari demi hari, semakin kerap whatsapp dan berkongsi segala duka dan duka. segalanya indah. indah semua apabila hati berbunga. kan?

*
sebulan berlalu.

di satu sudut Haura Najwa sujud di sejadah. lama.
usai salam terakhir, dia menangis. sambil meraup muka.

malu. malu dengan diri sendiri yang makin tak tahu malu.
bermaksiat. ye.. zina. zina hati je. “JE” takkan ubah apa apa.

yang dosa tetap dosa.

“ala ramai je orang lain bercinta.”

what is wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it. hati segera menangkis.

“tapi aku tak pernah langkau syariat!” hati tetap membantah.

betulke…? setiap hari whatsapp. even bertanya khabar. tapi perasaan halus tu sentiasa menjalar di hati. sentiasa tersengih sorang2. sampai kadang tertinggal date dengan Allah pukul 3 pagi semata nak melayan whatsapp dari si dia pada pukul 1, 2 pagi. selalu cemburu bila si dia digosipkan dengan akhowat lain. selalu stalk profile dan segala yang berkaitan dengan dia sampai kadang menangis tak henti sebab cemburu.

“aku…”

dan masa tu, sejadah menjadi tempat airmata meresap. mata bengkak. badan lemah. hanya pada Allah boleh diluah. hanya Allah yang mengerti saat itu. betapa berdosanya diri. tapi masih, diselubungi perasaan ‘takut untuk sakit bila berjauhan’ jadi..

“ya Allah.. tolong bukakan hati si dia untuk sedar akan hakikat ini juga.. tolong ya Allah.. kurangkan sakit yang aku rasa ni..”

dan malamtu, di saat yang lain nyenyak dibuai mimpi.
seorang gadis di sudut ruang kamar. menangis dan menangis. kerana dosa.

“Fif. syok whatsapp? dengan siapa?” tegur Iman. memulakan bicara.

“oh takdelah. dgn member sekolah lama.” jawab afif sambil sengih.

“aku bukan apa. tapi aku tengok kau ni dah lain.” berhati hati Iman menuturkan.

“lain macam mana?” Afif menegakkan badan dan bersila di atas kerusi.

“boleh kita bincang kejap?” ajak Iman

“sure.” iPhone diletak tepi dan di tukar mode silent. something sounds fishy.

“tengah berbunga ke?” Iman senyum segaris. sekadar bermanis.

“eh apa? what do you mean?” Afif kerutkan dahi tanda tak faham.

“look. let me be honest. sebab ko member aku since first time kita masuk uni lagi. satu course. satu bilik. satu kelas. dan, satu agama. aku sayang ko.”

“eh jap jap. ada apa hal ni?”

“aku tak larang ko nak bercinta. tapi biarlah cinta tu, kerana Allah. bukan kerana nafsu. selagi belum halal, selagi tu ada jarak. got me?”

“oh.. tapi aku takde la sampai bersayang semua. aku cuba limitkan pergaulan kami.”

“hati?”

diam. gulp! tersedak. batuk dua kali untuk hilangkan payau di tekak.

“Fif.. even kita dah limitkan pergaulan. contact tanya khabar ke. sembang through phone sambil cakap benda baik ke. ingat, syaitan tu ada. bunyi kecik simple gitu je kan? tapi, little do we now. benda kecik macamtu lah, yang kita orang belajar agama ni. selalu rebah kena hentam dgn nafsu. are you with me?”

“proceed.” mata merah. tahan airmata dari tumpah ke lantai. muka ditunduk.

“aku tahu. ko sayang dia. tapi, jarak tu still exists. kalau masa ni ko enjoy kenal dan suka2 dengan dia. lepastu. do you think and jamin yang lepas nikah pun boleh kenal lagi? save. save manja. save cinta. save kata2 manis. tu semua, lepas nikah. ko lelaki. dia tu perempuan. aku rasa si dia tu pun bukan calang2 orang. sbb aku tau, kau terpikat dengan agama dia. at first. perempuan ni umpama air mutlak. kenapa kita nak musta’malkan dia? kenapa nak sentuh hati dia awal2? kenapa nak cemarkan hati dia dengan kita yang masih belum sedia salam tok kadi ni?”

tersentak. diam. airmata mula menuruni pipi.
dan sekarang. Afif Hayat sedang menangis. Sebab dosa.

Iman mendekat dan peluk bahu dengan tangan sebelah dan bisik.

“kita taktahu dengan siapa kita akan nikah. kita taktahu bila kita akan nikah. tapi kita kena ingat. kita jugak tak tahu, bila kita akan mati dan macam mana kita akan mati. persiapkan diri. mana tahu, diri kita ni akan bernikah dengan sakaratul maut dulu?”

“tapi.. aku sayang dia lillahitaala. aku pilih dia sebab agama dia.”

“sayang tu bukan dengan kata2. jangan ucap sayang kerana Allah. jangan syok berkata kerana Allah sedangkan Allah tak suka dan tak redha dengan apa yang kita lakukan. jangan syok sendiri. kadang2, kita kena berbalik pada fitrah. jiwa bertuhan. memang cinta itu fitrah juga. tapi, jangan sampai jadi fitnah.”

“aku sayang dia Im. sakit sangat perpisahan tu. aku tak sanggup hilang dia.”

“yakin dengan Allah Fif. jangan cakap macam kau takde Tuhan. kita merancang. Tuhan yang tentukan.”

“doakan aku berjodoh dengan dia.. Im” rintih Afif dalam sendu.

“aku takkan doakan kau berjodoh dengan dia. tapi aku doakan kau berjodoh dengan orang yang terbaik untuk kau. Fif barangkali. kita suka akan sesuatu tapi sebenarnya ia tak baik untuk kita. dan barangkali. kita tak suka akan sesuatu tapi sesungguhnya ia baik untuk kita. janji Allah fif . pegang betul2. perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki yang baik. strive untuk jadi lelaki yang baik.”

“kalau aku takde jodoh dengan dia..”

“redha. aturan Allah tu the best. jangan pernah persoalkan kenapa dan kenapa. sebab sesungguhnya, semuanya berhikmah. husnudzhon Ai’e. yang penting. doa. doa yang berterusan. Aku tahu ko kuat.”

“Im.”

“dah jom pergi surau. sahut seruan Ilahi, Allah rindu nak dengar rintihan ko. Allah rindu beb.”

*

seminggu kemudian.

bzzz. bzzz.

“Afif Hayat. Saya rasa saya dah buat keputusan yang terbaik. Saya akan stop contact awak lepasni. Saya tak janji. tapi saya akan cuba yang terbaik. buat masa ni, saya harap awak kuat dan tabah nak hadap dunia ni. lepasni dah takde saya utk ingatkan awak dhuha. sila paham sendiri. lepasni tolong, behave attitude. Saya mintak maaf sbb pernah buai hati awak. dan saya maafkan awak sbb pernah buai hati saya. hati ni masih tak rela. tapi in order to achieve mardhatillah. Saya buat keputusan ni. jangan salah faham. Saya tak benci awak. Saya nak, kita jaga. sesama menjaga. Saya taknak kita terus hipokrit. senang buat apa saja atas nama ‘cinta lillah’. Saya nak jaga cinta ni. sebab saya nak Allah redha cinta yang saya bina. insha Allah, kalau berjodoh. Saya nak awak sendiri akan jumpa wali saya. ya salam. jaga hati. jaga iman.”

whatsapp yang baru diterima dibaca sebaik sahaja sudah melipat kain solat. kaki disila dan bersandar di satu sudut masjid. airmata bercucuran. tak mampu nak gambarkan apa rasa saat ini.

sakit.
gembira.

berbaur rasa.
‘Allah makbulkan doa aku.. tapi.. ya Allah.. sakit.’ airmata deras mengalir.

sneakers hitam disarung ke kaki sambil kepala menengadah langit. langit mendung. semendung hati. air mata tak habis habis menuruni pipi. seakan ingin meluahkan segala isi rasa yang ada. gadis berjubah hijau bertudung hitam bertutup memulakan langkah dengan lafaz yang mulia. Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. setiap derapan kaki menandakan dia kini sudah tekad. mahu melupakan setiap apa yang pernah terjadi. demi cinta yang suci. demi cinta Allah yang hakiki.

*

ikhtilat tu, bukan hanya dengan orang yang kita suka. tapi dengan semua ajnabi.

jaga hati.
belum sampai masa.
Saya juga sedang bertatih.
untuk menjaga hati dari dibuai ajnabi.
ambil yang baik. tinggal yang buruk. ya salam.

Allah is watching. Malaikat is writing. Keep calm and smile..
‪#‎tarbiahsentap‬

The Guilt

That guilty feeling linger, after so long. Even after I took my bath, I don’t feel myself cleansed. I feel wrong and stupid. Not knowing why I even let it happened. After so many times, after so many taubah and tahajjud, my iman easily torn. Will there be hope? For me to return Home? 

  
I pray Allah to guide me, through everyway and every steps. And may this guilt be forgiven, by Him. Ittaqillah, for this is a temporary life.

Life, and opportunity.

I don’t mind if people don’t understand what I’m doing with my life. I don’t mind if people around me questions me for rejecting offers and declining interviews. I do what I choose to do. I wanted a job, not so bad. But I need a constant development and learning activities. That is my purpose.

Having a job to support me in financial terms is not an aim, but a job which helps me to build a better character. I have high hope in gaining knowledge and also expand my area of expertise, maybe unlike any other fresh graduate.

So don’t ask me, why did I accept second internship offer, when I can live a life an an auditor. And don’t ask me why I didn’t accept offer from telecommunication company, and I seek for temporary learning programme. Because this is my life, and I try my best to improve, in every way possible.

Today, I look back.. to realize how many people, connections I have made. That make me reach most of my dreams. I have just completed gmap online assessment and send my application for further review to CIMB.

KPMG is waiting, but I choose to delay. I haven’t even contacted person who I suppose to report to when I’m back for good in Malaysia. Maybe, just give me a few more days. I would love to have a good life, as everyone wish for. I would love to have someone to have my back, and a stable life. But everything take risk, and I’m not a huge risk taker.

As for now, I’m learning to walk this life..by observing, learning and reading.. there is much more life opportunity waiting.

I just got back. Exhausted. Three days in a row, lack of sleep. I hate those days. And i hate that now I am being emotionally unstable. Of missing the places I have been. Missing the people. I wish I can go to office  at menara prima again. But that’s just a wish. 

The worst thing that could happen, was my dad calling me for the third time today. Asking the same question. And asking my advice at this hour. I was super tired, super moody and u happen to pushed the right button. Good job. Probably not going back to penang to spend a week there, it could be night mare. Obviously. So i dunno. Malas fikir. 

I couldn’t sleep now. I guess, i over think. My brain hurt so much. Is there any off switch? I need some sleep…