If I Have A Choice

Tears drop while I stare out to the window. Remembering my mom eyes when she look at me as I said,’I’m going back alone after sending you back to Malaysia’ and she look at me with her worried eyes,’How do you survive alone, will you be okay?’ And I refuse to look at her eyes again, while muttering,’Yeah, it’s not like I have anyone. Besides it’s too troublesome to have someone’

I know she would say that she can’t do that if she was at my age. But really, what choice do I have? I don’t even know ways at indonesia. Everything is very new, but I managed to go to almost all attraction in this new city, all by myself. I’m not proud, it’s just how lonesome my life is.

Whatever achievement I get, I never have someone I can genuinely share with. Mountains I climbed, islands I conquered, city I work at, no one really know the struggle I been through.

And even when hardship hit me now, I can smile and say Hi, pat it on the shoulder and continue enduring it. Living today teach me to never judge people. And teach me a lot about people too.

I love my mom and dad. No one could replace them. Taking a day leave. Hop on a stranger van to meet them at airport, risking my life to make them happy, and do everything I could for them while I can. 

You know, if I have a choice, I won’t be Nur Azlila. I would be someone else, maryam, siti or jasmine, girls who are too afraid to do or be anything and live freely and comfortable at home. Doing housework, watching kdrama or reading novel. I won’t be Nur Azlila. Her life is too hard, yet all she showed to the world is her silent achievement and tiny bits of her happy life. 

Her fake smile, and I’m sorry.

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