If I Have A Choice

Tears drop while I stare out to the window. Remembering my mom eyes when she look at me as I said,’I’m going back alone after sending you back to Malaysia’ and she look at me with her worried eyes,’How do you survive alone, will you be okay?’ And I refuse to look at her eyes again, while muttering,’Yeah, it’s not like I have anyone. Besides it’s too troublesome to have someone’

I know she would say that she can’t do that if she was at my age. But really, what choice do I have? I don’t even know ways at indonesia. Everything is very new, but I managed to go to almost all attraction in this new city, all by myself. I’m not proud, it’s just how lonesome my life is.

Whatever achievement I get, I never have someone I can genuinely share with. Mountains I climbed, islands I conquered, city I work at, no one really know the struggle I been through.

And even when hardship hit me now, I can smile and say Hi, pat it on the shoulder and continue enduring it. Living today teach me to never judge people. And teach me a lot about people too.

I love my mom and dad. No one could replace them. Taking a day leave. Hop on a stranger van to meet them at airport, risking my life to make them happy, and do everything I could for them while I can. 

You know, if I have a choice, I won’t be Nur Azlila. I would be someone else, maryam, siti or jasmine, girls who are too afraid to do or be anything and live freely and comfortable at home. Doing housework, watching kdrama or reading novel. I won’t be Nur Azlila. Her life is too hard, yet all she showed to the world is her silent achievement and tiny bits of her happy life. 

Her fake smile, and I’m sorry.


Ad Hoc Meeting

Ad-hoc meeting. 10 minutes after I was back from lunch with my intern-mate, we had a joyful conversations about culture and living overseas, when a senior architect call me up for a meeting.

This is my second meeting, and I want to, at least be prepared, tho I was only informed five minutes earlier. He was a substitute for the meeting, and basically we are ruin. I can tell you. at the intro of the meeting it went well, tho too many was joining the meeting. The architect told me not to say anything, but how do I not, when everyone is keeping quite and speaking indonesian in the meeting room. And the guess are totally not an indonesian as she did not react to any bahasa words.

Well, it happen to be that I was the one who conducted the meeting. With very little experiences in Cloud and Data center, even not knowing if there’s anything to do with Mr. Chandra works! Because it was his meeting 😦

It end worst, tho the singaporean look friendly and all. I don’t want to look over-power my senior architect, besides I am just an intern… sigh..

Why la this day have to happen…….

Lala Land

Fifth week, and I feel obliged to write whats happen throughout my week. 4 weeks to go before I’m back to Malaysia for good. I have been to an island, had my solitude time, thinking moment and some self searching.

Life have been good, or should I say, GREAT. Former boss at audit firm texted me asking when I’m coming back, and I gave him a direct answer of my flight ticket. Tho even for now I am not sure if I wanted to settle and live a normal life as a malaysian auditor and have no life going to work at 8am to 12pm.

Let the future be, I needed to find a job, but I have been sending weird jobs application to UK, Canada, NZ, Sg, and random places. No responds, and neither do I hope for one. Sigh.

Boss at Indonesia ask me if I wanted to extend my intern, and so obvious the answer is No. I have fun working and enjoying stress-free life here, but I needed something more. Something which tickles me to wake up to work every morning. Something that makes me excite for monday.

Had a facetime with malaysian friend, she was super excited to know about my blessed life here. Yeah, I just figured out my accommodation for a month cost me almost Rm5k, just for a month, only for accommodation, and I am here, like a tourist, shopping, went to island, swimming on weekend and had a good day enjoying myself.

I don’t know why I don’t feel blessed that much, maybe I have been taken most for granted. Maybe because I have more in Malaysia than what they offer me here. Maybe, I dont know.

Today, I have completed my evaluation for intangible assets for 4 years. Awesome, and I’m taking the rest of the day as my leisure time, searching how to work abroad 😀

Me and my hopeless dreams.. never end..

Lala Land.

Best Day of Life

Guilty? Iyem nooottt 😂

And.. Whut? Whuuuttt? Canadaaa? 

Yezza, since my CEO and close friend is from Canada 😂 and KPMG Canada? Now this makes more sense for me to apply and waiting for the result… Tho I am not hoping much 😂 ohhh this is just another on top of the cloud dream of Nur Azlila (tampar muka, wake up alredy plessss) 

Diary A Dark Chocolate

3rd August 2015

To my future,

I am at Jakarta, Indonesia interning under Axiata for eight weeks. Today is my second week working. Life is good, as always. My office mates are very friendly and helpful. They are busy with their own work but never once do they mind if I bug them to ask about things that I wanted to learn.

Jakarta so far has treated me nicely. I had my Saturday alone around Jakarta to learn a lot of lessons and to find myself. The people of Jakarta, the difficulties of living in an over populated country, the struggle is real. The smile from an old lady, hiding her pain deep inside is also real. I learnt, that everyone has their own secret.

4th August 2015

Works came in as expected. Responsibility and expectation are now part and parcel in my daily working routine. I could not help but to be taken back and my pace getting slowed. Every time it happened and I reminded myself to keep moving no matter how slow it is and to show kindness in everything I do.

I miss UKM, the relax environment and all that I had once. All bitter sweet memories it had me. So long.

I know, I am burdened with work. Like it or not. People are having high expectation around me. And whenever I received a new job, new documents, new agreement, new responsibility, I couldn’t help but to feel bad towards myself. Everything is so much different. Like an alien when I try to understand it.

Felt as if I did not meet their expectation, and I keep bugging them. When I am not helping them at all. Should have done better. I know I can do better.

5th August 2015

So, last night I have been asking seniors for advice. Why am I here? Obviously they can’t answer that, of my own purpose and where can I find my lost motivation. Should I go back to KPMG? Is that what I have been wanting for? I don’t know.

Since they have different working culture, I believe even in different MNC companies among Malaysia have their own working culture. For today, reviewing agreements and writing and practicing my writing skills. I just don’t know if this is even right for me to do. I wanted to work with numbers and numbers.

Just done reviewing agreement or they called it PKS (Perjanjian Kerja Sama) J

My view right now is a huge construction beside luxurious Ritz-Carlton, Jakarta and JW Marriot Hotel.

6th August 2015

Texted Azim (ULDP mate) last night, sharing stories, memories and life. A year past by, and the only person who can understand my situation right now is him. I realized, I’m not opening up to others. Scared of being hurt, or to feel hurt, but eventually I hurt myself unknowingly. I guess you can’t avoid getting hurt in this world, no matter how much you avoid it. He reminded me, to love myself yet to be kind.

And the thought came in, do I not love myself? Why did I take this opportunity for granted? To know what am I good at, and to strive to help others.

7th August 2015

If you want to have a full intern life, do intern at the most busy stressful working environment. You not only learn how to handle pressure, but you also will have the sense of belonging. And, do find boss or manager or superior who know how to delegate and assist you with work.

Back when I was an intern at KPMG, even if the work is to photocopy or signed documents, I do it diligently. Those small things that count, that build trust. I kinda love kpmg tho. I dunno if my feeling were still the same. I dunno if I really should be a partner for an auditing firm.

10TH August 2015

First meeting with Business Development Manager went wrong. He was too busy today, so we had to postpone it to tomorrow. Which basically leave me with more works, now that I have to complete my report and send it to Axiata by this Friday.

Btw, I am not feeling well today. Flu and others, but I know it will go away soon. So I kept drinking a lot of water to rehydrate myself and let this fever symptoms go away. Probably get some Panadol if it getting worst by evening. Sigh..

The difficulty of working in service and operating company abroad as an accountant is that, if the country have adopted IFRS to their own country, such as Malaysia, we have MFRS. It is slightly different as the standards are altered for convenient used for the country.

Hence, after my four years of studying accounting and to actually work and set up a project of financial projection for a cloud and data center services, I felt that I gotta learn accounting standards all over again. Which is going to be FUN and challenging as well.

11th August 2015

New pr 2015

oject, new office, new department, new people. More readings and research and number to work with. Taking 5 mins off my busy super messy desktop to write, as I am now in a bad health. Seriously. I can’t stand this flu and cough, it’s killing me. Even my roommate ran out last night and only went back when I’m sleeping. And I even woke up at 3 am, to the toilet. Worst but I gotta work, esp when I have this new project on my shoulder.

This new project, as I call it, Financial Statement Shadowing. Moving to Cloud and Data Center, focusing on the financial part, I’m working with one of the best team in Digital Service to come out with forecasting and valuation for their intangible assets. Many things to read, and to figure out before I can start my forecasting.

So, working load is getting heavier and I hope to get well very soon. Too many great people I worked with, so many things to be done in just a short period of time. Hope I can make this happen, and to make myself proud too. Till then.

12th August 2015

I see that I try to write log every day here, hehe. Ok here is today story, as I step in the office, I started to work with my projection and realize I need more information. Being a fat ass lazy (shy shy cat), I decided to email a person who is 50 meters away to pass me the information (instead of walk and ask her f2f) -,- first point checked here. Then, I get so blur and after some research in internet (research huh?), I grab my phone and start checking twitter, just right then GM walked in, straight to me, to see my blank laptop screen and ask me to blank email him! OOoo I am so dead now! *second point checked here!

Feeling so guilty, I decided to make a lunch date with my senior, Athirah (because she previously studied MSc accounting & finance) and requested for her opinion BUT yet again, I had to cancelled it, because my new colleagues wanted to bring me for lunch (tried to convinced them that I will join Malaysia team, but they keep insisting! Urgh!!) Sorry Tiraaa *third point checked L

So here I am, loaded with works, with no further information given, (not sure where my team went, without inviting me also). Sigh, it’s 4pm now, my projected income statement done, half balance sheet done, half cash flows done. Will continue tomorrow laa.

Oh, and also fourth point check, I met my ex colleague in the morning while waiting for shuttle and during lunch while I was waiting for my coffee, and guess WHAT? All of them said I’m sombong! OMgeee is it funny calling someone sombong? I had enough trying to be friendly and smiling and friendly and sigh… trust me, you don’t want to see my sombong side. Seriously.

Ok, chiow! So many works to do. Thank god, this team is super great with ex auditor everywhere, EY and KPMG! Felt like a mini auditor reunion in this office. Teheee 😀

20th August 2015

So many things going on lately. There’s few bumps all this while. And each one, I frown, climb to my bed, feeling worthless and sleep soundly for a new brighter morning. Wishing the day to pass.. Honestly tho, I love spending time more with my colleagues rather than Malaysian here. They judge, criticized and judge people a lot. At once, I was proud to see many successful bright Malaysian flew and work oversea, now I felt as if they are not so much out of their tiny shell. Almost every Malaysian I met, talk behind each other, of what and why they did not like each other. C’mon guys, I came here not to learn about you people. Let’s get real, most of them even complaint about not having enough money when the company gave advance benefits to us. Seriously, manage your own spending habit! Living here is so much cheaper and better than KL itself. For the record, I spend almost all my money before I came to Jakarta, but I do manage to survive (at least until now) tho there are some problem come up. Just chill. It’s not the end of the world. Life goes on. And you learn it the hard way sometimes, to let go of things that is out of your control.

And I would proudly said, until today, I believe I tried most foods and been to most places in Jakarta (even out of Jakarta too!) hahaha so much of myself.

Life is great and all. Even if it is not, I would still say that my life is great. Working life does not make any different here than Malaysia, not even if compared to audit firm. I am, as for now considering to join Graduate management or to be an auditor. I tried both, and I see how the leadership and career leader goes up. I have less than a month to decide actually. It’s creeping me out.

And mom and dad and my whole family is openly discussing about my graduation present.. As I bluntly request for a macbook! Hahaha, this is too much. They have given me everything and anything I ever wanted. I couldn’t ask for more. It remind me tho, even at the most bitter moment of my life, there is always some sweetness inside. Like a dark chocolate.


30 days to go.

A Wallflower


My third week here and I moved to a new area of expertise. The first word that I get from my ex colleague is, sombong.

Let me tell you a journey of my life, or to those who think that they know me, but you don’t.

I’m the girl you saw eating alone at a crowded restaurant, the girl who would walk 2km alone when her car tyre flat without calling anyone for help, I’m the girl who would laugh and spend memorable night with you and act like I don’t know you the next morning, because THAT IS WHO I AM.

I am not proud for being tested on low social skills, and never do I tell anyone about it. Until, yes everyone keep asking me to be more friendly. I tried and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of acting like I care about other people, like I care what you eat for lunch, like I care if your shoes look nice, because honestly, I don’t.

And if you don’t like me, just don’t. And never pretend like you do. If you like me either, I would advice you, don’t. Because I won’t make it to your level of expectation.
A wallflower.