Pursuing One Last Dream

After so many days, waking up just to drag my lazy bum to work. Like a robot, living in a same routine. Wake up, lunch, work, dinner, work, home. Repeat. Trying to find one last motivation for me to do something differently. So last month, I went to NZ career and education fair. It was a good eye opening. Of what NZ have to offer. But sadly, I still can’t get over studying and living in the UK.

This only to had me, start revising my Master plan. If I really am interested in further study in Master of Accounting, Finance, or even, commerce. Not something that I’m interested in. Postponing my ACCA only had me rethink, of what I really wanted to do.

And I go for MBA as for now. The requirement are rather tough. But I have one at mind. Always wanted to go to Manchester. I guess it started with my reading, and one of many influences. I used to complain it was hard, but a wise man once said, if other people can do it, nothing is impossible for you. Other people have their own time, and you, should strive for your time as well. I realize, it all takes a small steps to get to my big dreams.

University of Manchester? 2018/2019?

Sound impossible. Sounds too good to be true.

But I miss my study life. More than my working boring life, tho it earn me big bucks.

Love and regards,

Miss Azlila

Advertisements

Living in memories, Chasing the Future

I dream of him again. My ex husband. It has been two months of iddah. And I know it was hard for him to let go. He was holding me. It was just like the time back in Melbourne.

I have been waking up and pushing myself out of bed lately. With very less motivation, and been eating a lot to forget all my problems. Of course, problems come and go. And I couldnt run away from this dunya problem and its never ending. One solved, and another popping out from nowhere. I’m tired, and sometimes just praying,

‘If my life have any good in it, keep me alive for every second may have its own barakah. For if my life is causing me tribulation and misery in akhirah, to take me away from this dunya, and end all my sins right away.’

I’m tired. Exhausted. Of chasing for nothing. Nothing calm me. Nothing keep me at peace. I forced myself to sleep, to work, to eat. Thinking of it, just another mundane day of nothing.

Life, can be so meaningless sometimes.

2018 A year to reshuffle

Organization often restructured their employees and organization chart when their plan failed. They often come out with plan B or even a total 360degree of changes.

So it happen to be, the starting of 2018 sucks. I made decision and I had enough compromising with my life from 2016 to 2018. On my glorious days, I spend it half year travelling, and now I’m half way of getting myself together. they said there is no wrong decision. Only good times and lesson learned. And knowing Nur Azlila, she always choose to learn it the hard way.

So, I have taken 2018 to relax. Chill back and restructure my dreams and vision.

April goes by so fast. May and June coming up. And there you are. Half of 2018 is done.

Another half will be about me, figuring out and enjoying life as I could.

 

She live, She live well

10th February

It’s Saturday, and I’m here, in the same house. Not knowing what to do. His memories linger around the house. It has been almost a month since it happened. Out last fight. In few more days, it’s gonna be his 25th birthday. We officially got into divorced on 8th of February. There is so much words unspoken, so many tears and heartbreaks, so many guilt and misery. But all I’m showing to the world, is my laughter, my smile, my happiness side. I’m still struggling to bring myself up from all of this. The memories shouldn’t held me back. The scars are still hurting. I’m tired of crying. I’m trying to pick up all the pieces of myself. I know he would miss me. I know this would hurt him more. Since he’s the one who made this decision, he’s pressured, he’s sad. I wish I could hug him, and tell him this is not his fault. Allah has planned this for us. We were both struggling to make this work. But we end up, hurting ourselves more. I wish I could turn back time, and not meeting him. I wish I didn’t contact him and share him the news. I wish I wasn’t hoping for someone to feel my loneliness. I wish I didn’t take his heart with me.

Move on Ila. Stay closer to Allah.

 

16TH February

I’m on a bus, heading to penang, my parents home. Hometown so called. Slept over at a friend house. I really feels like it is my single time again. I’m starting over with my life. And what I want the most, to travel more. Booked my flight to Krabi yesterday. Without even thinking. Haha. My spontaneous senses is coming back again, and I feel so alive. Lets list out all the countries I have been for the past years J

2015

Feb : Koh Phangan, Koh Samui, Thailand

July – Sept : Jakarta

2016

June : Dubai, Mekah & Madinah

Dec : Lombok & Bali

2017

Feb : Singapore

March-June: Australia

July : Sarawak

2018

Feb : Singapore

Allah Gifts

Allah take him back. But Allah give me something else. Allah give me my freedom, my own life, my great job. I have been whining to everyone, saying that I need more work, and today. Allah gave me what I requested. Not one, but two. Not easy, but obviously not possible.

I have made up my mind to learn as much as I can from oil & gas company. The accounting procedures, analyzing data, and future budgeting.

Tho there are something I really wanted to do, like consolidation, taxation and analyzing complex figures.

There are many more days to go to reach my dream.

To the fullest life of Aila J

Unspoken Words

There was never a day pass by, without me, not thinking of you. All the memories you left, all the smile and tears, all the happiness and sadness, will forever stay with me. You know me well, better than anyone else. You know I don’t have, and I won’t have anyone else. Not even to go back to my parents. You know that when I’m sick, I would lay on the bed, holding the pain alone. You know those days, I was under depression, and I cried while you sleep, and hug you with tears. It was hard to let go. It was very hard, to live in this house, looking around and still seeing your smile. It was hard waking up, not having another arm wrapping me to sleep.

All I want you to know is, I want you to be happy. Don’t think too much about me. Whatever decision you made, is right. I was happy to be able to get married, with someone who used to love me so much. Every moment of those days, will be remembered and cherish. You know I couldn’t hate you. You know I couldn’t hate anyone. All I ask, is for you to be truly happy. So, keep living well.

Thank you for giving me the chance to be a wife. Thank you for all your cares and love, you once had for me. Continue doing what you do best, to be kind. You are a good husband, no matter what everyone said. Don’t regret whatever that has happened, there is no right and wrong. There is only those good times we spend together, and some lessons learned.

Soon, I will be moving away from your life. Do your best in your future, I always know you can. And I have faith that you will be a better person.

Remember when I told you to take care, while I’m not around? And you asked me, where am I going? I’m not going anywhere.

So this is it. Don’t think too much about me. Take care of yourself. All the best for your future. Be happy, and live well.

 

Lots of care,

Azlila

2017 Rewind 01

Over the time, I realize, that this is my life. But other time, my mind wander around. What happened to me in reality, vs what I have been dreaming about.

Flash backward, during university years, where I am someone who is very energetic, someone who is eager, someone who they called-stubborn, someone who will get whatever she put her mind into, someone who make a history, and a story wild wander. Who travel, and follow the path where it leads her. Who took the extra journey to make others happy, and who, always push herself too much, more than anything until it breaks her. What have she become now?

Did I made a wrong decision? Am I happy? Am I living my life to the fullest? Try to look at it. At least, I have someone when I go home. Try to be positive, at least my house is clean and tidy. But the real question keep knocking my head. Is this what I really want? To be a wife? I hardly pray for a child. Just wanting one, so I can avoid my social awkwardness around the people who curse me from my back.

Do I really care? Honestly, do I keep wasting my time this way? When I am not happy. I could turn the table, and blame everyone. But really, who’s fault is it? Is it them, who force me to be in this marriage? Is it them, who stop me from living my dreams? Is it them, who decide on my life happiness?

I cried. And I still cried every night. Some night, I wish I wont wake up. Some night, I just want to shut myself and be in my own world. I ran, and stumble. I try to get up. But I keep falling. All my hopes, my dreams.

I try to avoid. But, until when?